Chapter 119
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I sigh. “Anyway, fast forward to Thanksgiving of freshman year in college. I had been busy with midterms, so I couldn’t call home as often as usual. The day before Thanksgiving, I came home and-” The rest of the sentence sticks in my throat, and I suddenly can’t breathe as the image blooms in my mind.
Nathan pulls me back to him, resting his chin on my head. “You don’t have to continue,” he whispers.
But I force the words out, exposing the wound to bleed.
“I found both of them lifeless on the floor with needles sticking out of their arms, and June-” A sob rocks me. “June was passed out next to my mom, looking just as dead.”
I inhale sharply. “Apparently, they’d been dead for two days, and she hadn’t eaten or gotten her insulin shots in that time. The next couple of days were like a horror movie. I had no idea if June would make it.
“For months, I would wake up screaming and throwing up because of the nightmares. It got to the point that I couldn’t sleep if June wasn’t in bed with me because I used to dream of finding her dead.”
I bury my face in Nathan’s chest as a fresh wave of tears soaks his shirt.
“I think I projected my trauma onto her,” I sob. “She was so young when it happened and barely remembers them. But I—”
The image slams into me, unbidden–grey skin, blue, foaming lips, glassy, dead eyes.
“The nightmare comes only once a year now, but the memories never fade,” I whisper. “Neither does the feeling of having my whole world come crashing down around me, of knowing that for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be someone’s baby anymore. There was no one left to take care of me.”
I clench my eyes shut, burrowing deeper into Nathan as a whimper escapes me. His arms tighten around me, one hand cradling my head like he’s trying to protect me from the images. From my own mind.
“Having my sister made up for losing my parents,” I whisper. My voice is soft and muffled against Nathan’s chest, so I doubt he hears me. Still, I talk.
“I don’t… I don’t think I know how to exist without her.”
I know I sound pathetic, even to my own ears. But it feels liberating to bare it all out.
“You’re wrong,” Nathan whispers.
He pulls back and cups my face, his thumb wiping away my tears as his emerald eyes sear into my soul.
“You have someone to take care of you,” he tells me softly. “We’ll take care of each other,‘ remember?”
A smile breaks out on my face through the tears as he continues. “You don’t have to be strong on your own anymore, April.” He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead. “You have me now,” he murmurs against my skin.
I cling to him like a lifeline, knowing that if I let go, I’ll drown in the flood of emotions I’ve unleashed in this coat closet.
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Chapter 119
A
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Some might think it unhealthy, foolish even, to always need someone to depend on. I should learn to stand on my own. But how can I do that when there’s a part of me that will always be damaged, always be broken?
Like a broken leg, it can heal, but it will never be the same again.
And the words in that note Nathan wrote, the words I memorized, float up to the forefront of my mind.
Thank you.
For not turning away.
For not being afraid of the broken parts.
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