Chapter 200
“Louise!” I gasp, grabbing her wrist. “Keys. I need-” 1 swallow hard against the bile rising in my throat. “I need your keys. Please.”
She frowns at me, startled. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
I shake my head, fighting back tears. I can’t form the words needed to articulate. Everything after Penny’s words is a fog of static and rising panic.
“Samuel was…angry.”
“Peter brought him to me in pretty bad shape.”
“Keys, Lou.”
I jerk when Lara touches me. “April?” she asks softly. “What’s going on?”
“I just need the damn keys!”
That gathers everyone else’s attention, and I know it’s like whiplash. One moment, we’re all laughing and crying and hugging, and the next, I’m itching to ditch my own farewell party for reasons I can’t even begin to explain.
“Hey, April.” I turn to see Julian swinging his car keys in the air. “Come on, you’re in no shape to drive yourself.”
I don’t have it in me to argue. “Thank you,” I breathe, already dashing out of the door.
I don’t remember saying goodbye.
33
I must have. I think I hug Lara. I think June tries to stop me–her small hand catching mine, asking what was wrong–but it’s all a blur.
And so is the trip. I barely remember giving Julian the address, barely register the route.
My hands won’t stop trembling. I don’t even bother checking my phone–he hasn’t replied to any of my texts or called me back.
And now I know why.
He had a bad concussion. Cracked two ribs. His eyes were bruised shut.”
I stare straight ahead, my breath short and shallow.
Julian glances at me as we near Roscoe Village. “April. You look like you’re going to combust,” he says softly. “Are you sure this is worth
it?”
I whip my head toward him. “What?”
“He’s an Ashford,” Julian says in the same way one would say, ‘He’s a serial killer.‘
“You know firsthand how toxic that family-”
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Chapter 200
“But he isn’t like them.” My voice comes out sharper than I intend it to.
“And yet, he’s hurt you more than any of them ever did.”
I inhale sharply, momentarily stunned. “That’s… That’s complicated.”
“Is it?” he asks. “It seems to me like you’re better off staying away from the Ashfords, April.”
I shake my head. “I love him.”
Julian looks at me, and something flickers in his eyes. Resignation. Hurt?
“Still?”
My chest tightens as I recognize the look in his eyes. It’s the same one I saw in the mirror the night of the finale.
Heartbreak.
33
I bite my lip. “Julian…”
“It’s okay.” He forces a crooked smile. “I knew from the start that I had no chance. But I meant it when I said you’re so damn easy to adore.” He shrugs. “I couldn’t help myself.”
I pause, unable to fully process the gravity of Julian’s confession when Nathan is all I can think about. “I’m sorry. You’re amazing, Julian. But my heart… It’s his.”
He nods once, tight. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, my hand already reaching for the door handle.
“It’s cool,” he says softly. “Do you need me to stay?”
I shake my head slowly, and his face falls even further. I’m out of the car before I can start crying and apologizing over and over again.
Penny’s door creaks open as I turn the doorknob and step inside.
The familiar smell of cinnamon and lemon hits me first. Toys are scattered across the hallway, and I almost trip on a stray shoe when my eyes land on him.
Nathan’s on the couch, half–curled into the corner, the TV casting a soft glow over his profile.
His hair is a little longer, mussed and damp. He’s wearing a hoodie, sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and grey sweats.
A blanket covers most of him, but I see the bruises–the fading yellow and purple along his cheekbone, the puffiness around one eye that hasn’t gone down. His wrist is wrapped tightly, resting in a sling on a pillow.
The sight of him is simultaneously agonizing and comforting.
“Nathan,” I whisper, my voice breaking.
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His eyes flick up.
:
He looks stunned for a second. Then something shifts in his face–disbelief, guilt, relief. “April?”
I cross the room in two steps and drop to my knees in front of him.
33
“You’re okay,” I choke out, my hands hovering. I want to touch him so badly, but I’m terrified of hurting him further. “You’re okay–oh my God, I imagined the worst-”
“I’m okay,” he says, voice hoarse.
Unable to help myself, I reach for his face, gently brushing my fingers along his jaw where the bruising is faintest.
“What the hell, Nathan?”
He sighs. “You shouldn’t be here. I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
I shake my head. “Fuck no. We’re done with all that, you hear me? Done. No more running. No more pretending that hurting me–hurting us–is some bullshit noble act.”
I hear his breath catch. “Us?”
I smile softly. “Penny told me what happened. What you did.”
“Everything?”
I nod. “Everything.”
“And?”
I lean up and place a kiss on his forehead, right next to a dark purple lump. “I’m so proud of you,” I whisper against his skin.
He sighs like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “I did it. I broke the cage.”
I pull back a soft laugh falling from my lips. “You tore that shit down to its foundation.”
“I’m so sorry it took so long,” he says, his voice breaking.
I shake my head. “It’s okay.”
“No, April, it’s not.” He closes his eyes. “I deserve more than this for what I did to you.”
“Hey,” I whisper, “look at me.”
Slowly, he opens his eyes, fixing his guilty gaze on me.
“I’m not going to let you use me to fulfill your need to hate yourself, got it?”
His lips quirk. “I’m sorry. It’s hard letting go of old instincts. But I’m learning, I swear. I want to be better, April. For you–for us.”
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:
That response alone, the fact that he doesn’t pull away or further descend into a pit of self–loathing, has me leaning up, wrapping my arms around him as delicately as I can.
“I missed you.” I sniff.
His arms wrap around me, his grip stronger than I would have expected. “I missed you, too, April. God, I’m so fucking sorry.”
I nod. “I know. It’s okay.”
33
I know what you may be thinking–just like that? He breaks your heart, and you forgive him that easily?
And yeah, maybe we can add this to the long list of stupid decisions I make when it comes to Nathan Ashford.
Because all of a sudden, it doesn’t matter that he shattered my heart into a million pieces again. It doesn’t matter that his family is one steaming hot mess or that he doesn’t have his shit together.
All that matters is being in his arms again, and I’m already making the decision before I even realize it.
As easily as a heroin addict reaches for the needle or an alcoholic reaches for his bottle.
Because Nathan Ashford is the one thing I just can’t quit.
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Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
