Chapter 71
Chapter 71
10 vouchers
“Here,” Ragnar catches my attention as we make the drive back home. He holds out an apple juice for me to take. I hesitate to take it, wondering where he got it. “I packed you snacks. Thought you might be hungry after work. We can have dinner once we get back home.”
He reaches behind me and sets a Cinnamon Roll lunch box on my lap. I open it and find a bunch of Japanese snacks with Cinnamon Roll pictures all over them. I’ve only ever mentioned liking this character to my grandmother after I ordered a bunch of Cinnamon Roll–themed snacks from Japan to share with her, as a thank–you for sharing her tea obsession with
- me.
“How badly did she reprimand you?” I ask.
“I don’t know what you mean,” he grins, knowing exactly what I’m talking about. “I think we should talk about what just happened, Sophie.”
“Sure,” I say reluctantly. He smirks, but not in a playful way. He knows I’m just giving him what he wants.
“You’re not a prisoner, Sophia. You have a choice. I understand that you’re not ready to jump into another mating. It was a long time before I could even be around other females. Even the mated ones. It was why I never went back to Artume.
“It’s something I still struggle with. I fucking hate when women compliment me. When they get too close or reach for me. It takes a lot out of me not to throw them across the room or yell. If it wasn’t for your grandmother, I probably would have killed some of the daughters of the people who work in the castle.
“The first time we spoke on the phone, I slept for an entire night. For the first time since Clarity died. I thought it was because it felt like I was getting a piece of my old life back. We grew up together, and I missed you and your brothers as much as I miss her.
“This is just as confusing for me. It doesn’t feel real yet. I’ve tried to keep to myself to give you room, but you’re-” he sighs heavily as if whatever he’s going to say is too much for him to bear. “You’re you, and I’m not the only one who sees it.
“I could have told you from the start, but I was afraid that you would push me away. I was scared that you would change the trajectory of your life because you wanted to get away from me. No offense, but you’re a flight risk, and I couldn’t risk you taking off and disappearing.”
“Be honest with me. If I hadn’t shifted, how long would you have waited to tell me?”
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “Maybe until my father was ready to retire, and you needed to be turned to take your place as my beta. Maybe before that. Maybe never, and we would have gotten married anyway.
“You turning on your own was never part of the plan. I knew you would take to the mark because you already had enough similarities to female Lycans that it wouldn’t have been a risk to bite you.”
“Why?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he blows out a heavy breath. “And I’m really sorry that you had to find out this way. The month leading up to your culmination, I tried so hard to face you, but I’d see you, and it felt like putting it out there would ruin the energy we have.
“I haven’t had a friend outside of my brother in a very long time, and it felt really fucking good to talk to someone who didn’t have the same problems as me. And you’re so open–minded. A fresh outlook on my reality. I didn’t know how you were going to react, but it sure as hell wasn’t the hate you looked at me with when I was standing in front of you again.”
“I was upset, Ragnar. Before being my friend, you are my King. I trusted you with everything. You know things about me no one else knows. Things I’ve never said out loud until I said them to you.
1/3
1:21 pm P
Chapter 71
10 vouchers
I understand that you were afraid of how I would react, but you ghosted me for an entire month, and then you hurt our mentor. You broke his hand in six different places. He needed reconstruction surgery. And you did this in front of the women who run half the coast region of your kingdom.”
“I lost control, he shakes his head. “You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me what’s going on. Not as your mate or this fucking awkwardness,” I scratch behind my ear, feeling irritated. “It’s just you and me. Sophia and Ragnar. I’m not going to stop being your friend because you’re an idiot. I just want to understand what’s in front of us.”
I reach for one of the gummies I know he’ll like and open it for him. He glances at me when I hold it up to offer it to him. He takes it and pops it in his mouth.
“This isn’t just some kind of promise to never take another mate. It’s a blood oath. A curse. heightens my aggression towards potential mates. There are no affairs, no flings, no attachments.
“But this is different. I didn’t choose this bond. Fate chose it for us. My intentions were never romantic until the moment they present themselves. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t mean to blurt out what I did. I was fighting the bond and the curse at the same time. It’s the first time I’ve had to.
“It flares up. It feels like I’m cutting my chest open again. It’s a suffocating feeling. I had to act, or it felt like I was going insane. I acted before I even knew what I was doing, and that always seems to be the case around you.
“I don’t mean to be a bastard. I just don’t know how to handle this. I’ve never had problems with the oath until you came along. I guess I’m just glad you’re so clumsy. It’s easier to pull it back when the moment is ruined.”
“F**k off. None of those have been on me. Except for the water thing, but I don’t know how to control it. So, I’ll take one blame,” we both laugh as I open what I think is a chocolate ball. “I’m sorry I unloaded all of that on you.
“I still have nightmares. I still dream about it all. There are times when all I can think about is that I wasn’t good enough to meet their standards. There are times when none of this feels real. I’ve talked to Dr Baker about this. I’m always tired. No matter what I do, I feel like it isn’t enough.
“I can’t sit still to save my life because when I sit down to finally take a breath, I can hear her voice in my ear telling me to stop being lazy. I keep a schedule, and I almost have panic attacks when there are gaps in it.
“Every time I’m alone, I have to have music or my phone because I replay that last conversation we had. His laughter haunts me. For a while after coming here, I wanted to take it back. I wanted to apologize because that’s what they conditioned me to do. And it feels like every step I take away from him, I’m doing something wrong.
“It feels like I’m the one to blame for all of it. Before you try to make me feel better, I know I’m not. I know that he said what he did was to make me come back and accept that what he wanted was the only way I could ever have anything. But it’s like you said, I’m fighting two different things. It’s not easy pushing those thoughts down. I’ve literally made myself sick trying to piece the shattered pieces of my mind back together.
“But it isn’t like that when I’m with you. I know who I am when I’m taking your orders or when we’re arguing. I don’t have to be anything other than myself. I didn’t know how attached I was to you until you weren’t there. I thought I hurt you when I shifted, and that you were upset. I replayed every conversation we had leading up to that morning, wondering what I had done for you to stay away for so long.
“I could never hate you, but it did hurt. It felt like you sensed what I was to you, and you hated it. It was such a familiar feeling. I saw it in his face when I told him I didn’t shift, but I chose to ignore it because he was my mate. He said all the right things. Gave me everything without me asking for it.
“I believed it was a momentary doubt because no alpha wants to hear that their Luna is some worthless nobody. If he could do that to me, what would I expect from a King who took pity on me because we’re connected by familial ties? I’m not Queen material, Ragnar. I’m actually pretty pathetic.”
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Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
