Chapter 178
NATHAN’S POV
零国
1 simultaneously hoped I would never see April again and prayed every day just to get one more glimpse of her.
Now that she’s here before me in the flesh–not a figment of my imagination and a constant appearance in all my dreams–1 don’t know how to explain how I feel.
Like I’m lying down on train tracks and being run over repeatedly is a good start.
Seeing her in the middle of the bridal shop, being measured for bridesmaid dresses, tore something open within me.
She belongs on the pedestal Valerie was twirling on. She belongs by my side–not pressed against a wall in an abandoned closet by my wretched fucking brother.
I swear, I have no idea how Lucas is still alive right now.
The surge of panic and rage I felt when Lara came up to me, her eyes wide with worry, as she said, “I can’t reach April. I think he found out,” was enough to bring the building we were in down.
And then I saw them, and I thought I would die.
The only thing stronger than the urge to castrate and decapitate my brother was the need to get April as far away from him as possible.
And then, as if I couldn’t be more of a horrible bastard, I unleashed all my anger and frustrations on her.
I did everything right, didn’t I?
I pushed her away because her bright, beautiful light didn’t belong in the murky darkness of my world. I pushed her away so she would never find herself in the exact situation I just found her in.
“Don’t touch me!”
I ruined everything. And for what?
She still ran headfirst into the very thing I was trying to protect her from.
So what was the point?
That thought–that I ruined my life for no reason–sends a tsunami of pain and panic, and regret through me.
I could bear the loss, bear the longing, as long as I told myself she was safer away from me and my wretched family, but what now?
That’s the question that berates me as I watch her from across the room.
April sits on a velvet bench near the mirrored wall, her posture deceptively relaxed. Her hands rest in her lap, her fingers weaving and unweaving.
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Chapter 178
It’s such a small gesture, one no one else would notice, but I do. She’s trying her hardest not to fall apart.
She doesn’t look my way. Of course she doesn’t. I don’t deserve it.
Lara hovers near her, whispering something into her ear. April nods without really reacting, then lifts her chin and turns her attention back to the group.
There’s a faint, practiced smile on her face–strange and uncharacteristic.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give for one of her wide, adoring smiles. The kind that once warmed every shard of ice clinging to the darkest crevices of my soul.
Will I ever get one of those smiles again?
Valerie flounces by in a cloud of lace and beading, fussing about hem lengths and the shade of champagne used in the sashes.
The former contestants–turned–bridesmaids coo and laugh, admiring themselves under the soft glow of overhead chandeliers.
But my entire attention is glued to her.
From here, I can see the tension in her shoulders, the tightness in her jaw. She’s holding herself together by a thread.
I can’t tell if it’s because of Lucas, because of me, or both.
I shouldn’t be here–I should’ve walked out the second I saw her. Instead, I linger like a ghost, watching the girl I wrecked pretend to be whole.
She stands suddenly, and my breath catches in my throat. She murmurs something to Lara and glides across the room, disappearing through a curtained doorway that leads to the fitting rooms.
Instinctively, I start to rise, but then my gaze catches Lucas sitting amongst his friends, and I force myself not to move.
As long as he’s in my sights, she’s safe.
Right now, the only person she’s in danger of…is me.
I clench my hands into fists in my lap, trying to ground myself as I tremble.
Every muscle, every nerve, every fucking part of me wants to go to her. Wants to attempt to fix what I irrevocably shattered.
“Don’t ever touch me again.”
But you can’t fix shattered glass.
After a few minutes, April returns. Composed.
Her cheeks are dusted with a new flush of color, her lips touched up with a soft mauve. Not a single strand of her hair is out of place.
She laughs quietly at something Eliza says, the sound soft and practiced and distant. She adjusts a strap on her dress, glancing into the
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Chapter 178
mirror–but not for vanity. She’s checking her armor. Reinforcing the illusion.
I can tell she knows I’m watching.
It’s in the way she keeps her chin lifted, her shoulders squared, her gaze never darting. She’s not ignoring me. She’s rejecting me.
And I deserve it.
God, I deserve it.
零四
Lara looks over April’s shoulder and spots me, her expression shifting. She doesn’t say anything. Just shakes her head, slow and firm.
I get the message: Don’t.
I force myself to turn away, pinning my gaze on Valerie instead. I can do this. I can spend the rest of this session with the love of my life mere feet away and not-
“Jules!”
My eyebrows arch as Julian Ellington walks into the shop, turning more than a few heads. He’s taller than I remember, sharp in a slate suit that could probably buy the building we’re in.
Julian is little more than a stranger to me–closer to Lucas, having gone to the same high school. And in my book, anyone who’s friends with Lucas is bad news.
I watch as he ruffles his sister’s hair, and, annoyed, she slaps his hand away. And then my eyes widen when April throws her head back and…laughs.
They almost bulge right out of their socket when Julian reaches over, fondly strokes April’s hair, saying something I can’t hear, and the tension in her shoulders eases.
And then she gives him one of those adoring smiles–the very one I’ve been thirsting for since I laid eyes on her.
What the actual fuck?
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Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
