I immediately covered my ears as soon as I heard that voice because I immediately knew; this was a nightmare.
“Why won’t you leave me alone?!” I screamed, my body shaking. It was a dream, and yet the fear I was feeling was too intense and realistic. “I get it. I’m the reason you’re dead, but this is also your fault. You didn’t agree to let me go either. You chose to stay with me until the end. So why is this my fault? Why, Luca?”
“You don’t deserve to be happy,” the voice repeated, even colder now.
“Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough, Luca?” I whispered, now shaking as the cold seeped into my bones. “It’s been years, and I’m still suffering. Don’t you think it’s enough? You’ve been torturing me in my nightmare for so long, and I’ve never complained, but right now, I’m begging you, Luca. Let me have this. Please.”
“You don’t. Deserve. To be. Happy.”
“Fuck you!” I screamed, tears streaming down my face.
Was this really a dream? Was I supposed to feel this much pain and exhaustion in a dream?
“Just let me go! I deserve to be happy!”
“You’re the one holding yourself down.”
I woke up with a gasp, my eyes wide and unseeing, but I felt hands on me, and I felt like I was shaking. And I heard a loud voice shouting in my ear.
“Belladonna, snap out of it, for fuck’s sake!”
I finally blinked and Kade’s face came into view, his eyes wide with terror.
“Kade?”
“Fucking hell,” he breathed, drawing me into his arms, his body wet with sweat and trembling. “You were screaming. And you were shaking so hard, I didn’t know what to do.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice shaking.
“Hush.” He pressed my face into his chest and I could hear his wild heartbeat. “Don’t apologize. Don’t even say anything.”
But I didn’t stop. “I’m sorry, Kade. I’m so sorry.”
I’m sorry because I can’t be with you. I’m sorry because I’ve noticed how the look in your eyes has changed and grown softer. I’ve noticed how even your voice and touches have grown softer, and I can’t bear it.
I was poison, and you don’t deserve to be drawn into my web.
“Stop that,” he whispered, stroking my hair.
I’m sorry that I’m not normal, and I can’t be with you. I’m sorry that I let you put your guards down just to leave you hanging.
“I’m so sorry, Kade,” I cried, my tears slowly flowing out. “Please forgive me. I’m the worst. The worst.”
I cried in his chest for what felt like hours, my head buried in his chest, and he never stopped stroking my hair and back.
1/3
1:56 am PPPD
Chapter 145
His touches grounded me and yet, it made my tears flow harder.
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I didn’t deserve happiness because of what I’ve done. But Kade… Kade has also taken a life, so how could he be willing to move on? Doesn’t he also feel this crushing guilt and terror? Doesn’t he feel like he doesn’t deserve it? How? How in the world is he able to move when I was only getting worse with each of my walls that he tore down?
Finally, my tears stopped and I could finally catch my breath, but I nearly fell apart again when Kade said, “You’re not alone.”
I am, Kade. I am.
Because this guilt will always stay with me.
***
Two weeks have passed since that night, and I haven’t set my eyes on Kade. Not even once. Not because he was avoiding me, but it was the other way around.
I felt bad, like trash, but I had an excuse if I ever came across him; I was busy.
Because I was.
We recently signed a contract with a military base that needed weapons, and it’s been hectic, to say the least.
Papa hasn’t set foot in the company since that day, so this was all on me. The most important documents were sent to him for his signature, but it was I who went to the meetings, who went through the documents, and chose the ones to send to Papa.
So I haven’t seen Kade for two weeks now, but that only made me more miserable, and I haven’t been getting any sleep, because even in sleep, I have no peace.
The nightmares have gotten worse since that day.
I sighed deeply as I raised my head from the laptop. I felt a string in my neck and I winced, massaging it. That was when I finally felt Gianna’s burning gaze on me.
I looked at her and our eyes met. She didn’t look away like how most secretaries would have. She just kept her cold gaze fixed on mine until I sighed.
Her office was set up in my office, because I couldn’t use the telephone every time I needed her, which was every minute of the day.
“Yes, Gianna. What is it?”
“You look miserable,” she said before I could even complete my sentence.
I rubbed my eyes. “In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been hella busy lately.”
She shook her head, and her calm mask finally moved and I could see what looked close to concern. “No, that’s not it. Those circles around your eyes are like bruises.”
“I haven’t been sleeping”
“Understandable, but, Belladonna, that look in your eyes goes beyond something more than physical. It’s mental
I looked away from her, my jaw clenched. “Why don’t you mind your business, and act like a secretary?”
2/3
11:56 am P PPD.
Chapter 145
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But she just fixed me with a hard look. “You’ve never treated me like a secretary, but as a friend. So I’ll finally act like a friend and butt into your business for once. You’re falling apart, Bella. It’s even worse than it was years ago. Minus the alcohol and se-”
“You think I don’t know?!” I screamed, slamming my palms on the desk and jumping to my feet, but Gianna didn’t even flinch.
“I’m sure you don’t know. I’m sure you don’t know what you’re slowly doing to yourself. Do you think you can continue to live like this? Withering away as guilt eats you up? For how long will you continue being like this?”
I clenched my fists when they shook, baring my teeth at her. “Shut. Up.”
“Answer me, Belladonna. How long?”
“For as long as it takes!”
3/3
AD
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Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
