I’m as bad as he is.
Maybe worse.
Maybe I deserve this suffering. Maybe this prison and this crazy boy
beside me are a type of mirror of what I truly am.
But abuse… Abuse is something else. It’s unforgivable. It’s a mark
that doesn’t wash away, that isn’t covered by power or blood.
I close my eyes, but the thought remains, burning in my head. I’m a
monster complaining about another monster. A predator that can’t
stand being hunted.
But my body betrays my mind. The pleasure I felt in that moment was
too overwhelming. It’s not acceptance, it’s not forgiveness. It’s a
wound that still bleeds. And I wonder… Is it really that good to be
passive?
I don’t want to think about sex now. That’s not what I’m looking for.
What tortures me is something else: what happens to me if I, one day, decide to give in?
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Chapter 202
I let out a long sigh, the sound echoing low in the cell. I turn my head
slowly, going back to staring at Adrian’s sleeping face. He looks like
an ordinary boy sleeping, breathing slowly, with a calm expression.
For a moment, I almost forget who he is and who I am.
With an effort, I prop my hands on the mattress and sit up. The pain
in my buttocks still throbs–less intense than yesterday, but present. I
make a slow, measured movement so as not to wake him, slide out of
bed, and walk naked to the shower.
I turn the handle; the hot water falls over me, running down my
shoulders, relieving the tension in my muscles and the pain that still
stings. I close my eyes, letting the water run as if it could wash away
the thoughts corroding me.
But they stay.
I think about whether I truly deserve to accept Adrian’s love. I think
about what I’m doing. I am going to try to like him, yes, because I
know I cannot win. I know there is no way out. This is the only option
left for me.
And yet… I’m afraid. Afraid that if I really like him, he’ll end up
getting tired of me. Even if it seems impossible now, I know this kind
of instability; I’ve lived it. If he heard my thoughts, if he noticed my
doubts, I’m sure he would hit me again.
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Chapter 202
He needs to understand that all of this is new to me. I’ve never been
passive. I never contemplated, not for a second, being in this position.
I never thought about liking someone, let alone loving. I always
focused on the power I had, on how to keep the entire prison under
my control.
Now I have no power. I have nothing. What is left for me is to learn.
To learn to like someone. To learn to look at Adrian in a different
way, no longer as a monster.
And that scares me.
I’m afraid of becoming crazy like him. Afraid that, in the end, he’ll
stop loving me. And what will be left of me then?
I let out another tired sigh, letting the hot water hit the back of my
neck, trying to dissolve this weight. But I know that no matter how
hot the water gets, no matter how deep I breathe, this knot inside me
won’t untie anytime soon.
I am so buried in my thoughts that I don’t notice him approaching. I
only notice when warm arms wrap around my waist and a body
presses against mine. Adrian took off his uniform and entered the
shower without me noticing. His chest presses against my back, his
breath mixing with mine.
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Chapter 202
“I can feel there’s a huge fight going on inside that beautiful head of yours, love,” his low voice vibrates against my skin. “Share it with
me.”
My body contracts immediately. I try to relax, forcing my muscles not
to betray my discomfort.
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Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
